Red vs Blue: The Andromeda Chronicles
by Starlight's Poet
Summary: After the defeat of Malcom Hargrove, and getting into the peace and quiet they deserve, the Reds and Blues learn about a way to get Epsilon back. Said way, though, involves them going to another world. Basically, a bunch of idiots plus two badasses meet space explorers, alien invaders, possible lesbian aliens, and lots of other stuff. Same shit, different day.
1. Same Shit, Same Idiots, New Galaxy

_So...I just finished Mass Effect: Andromeda. First of all, seriously, why all of the hate? Okay, yeah, the facial animations aren't good and it had more than a few glitches, bugs and whatnot...but goddamn if it ain't awesome! Even if the story was kind of the same as the first game, what with the big bad trying to control something that could potentially allow him to doom/control the universe, but seriously, it was awesome. I really liked the characters._

 _That's why, even though I have more than enough stories on my plate...I've decided to write this little number. Word of warning for those who haven't finished the game and have yet to see Season 15, though! It has spoilers!_

 _Enjoy you guys, because it is a Demons Anarchy of Pride original!_

 **DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Mass Effect or Red vs Blue. Both belong to BioWare and RoosterTeeth respectively. I also do not own any of the characters or places, only what little events I have in mind.

* * *

A Mass Effect x Red vs Blue Crossover:

 **Red vs. Blue: The Andromeda Chronicles**

* * *

It was finally over.

Half a year had passed since the successful arrest of Malcom Hargrove, the bald big bad wannabe corrupt corporate bastard extraordinaire, and the group had finally been given the relaxation time they deserved. They celebrated in probably the best way they could: Tucker somehow started up the Temple of Procreation, and needless to say, steamy hijinks and sexual pursuits and liberties were taken, though some encounters (i.e Simmons and Grif) were better left unsaid. Of course, the festivites couldn't last long, and the group certainly had no intention of going back to the UNSC. After all, technically speaking, they were still UNSC soldiers. Listed personnel. Thus, Kimball decided to give them their own bases on Chorus' moon.

Grif had originally been excited for the prospect of no longer having anything to do, though sadly he quickly learned it was more or less the same stereotypical bullshit that was common in Blood Gulch. In just a few days, Sarge got depressed about how he had not died heroically, and the Reds and Blues were quick to escape his soon-to-be-hatched insane plan. Carolina had a hard time adjusting to inaction as well, leading to her taking lessons from Grif of all people, though that obviously had not lasted long. Then the group found out the hard way that the moon was actually still populated.

...by Dinosaurs. Yes, you read that right. Honest to god Dinosaurs...which Caboose befriended.

Later, Donut accidentally burned down the bases through a mishap with his candles. Because most of the food was now gone, Grif had chosen to eat the native flora...which turned out to be powerful narcotics which Simmons described as "crystal meth ON crystal meth." Speaking of Simmons, he spent those months learning Esperanto, which he thought was Spanish for "Spanish."

The group then decided to raise up money by selling their movie rights to Hollywood. When a movie titled "Red vs. Blue: Dawn of Awesome" was released, which Grif complained was far too inaccurate, they received a large sum of money, enough to make new bases...though much to Carolina's chagrin, they believed that a water park was far more cool than bases. Then Donut came and apparently, well...let's just say on that day, they learned that lube is quite flammable. Flash forward a week later, Tucker has the bright idea of making a band to attract girls, though the only girl who joined was Carolina. To this day, the girl has yet to tell them that she took great pride tormenting them with her horrible singing, but she found it sweet that they didn't have the heart to tell her that she sucked.

Then Sarge had the BRILLIANT idea to make his own evil robot army, though they somehow malfunctioned and attacked the Dinosaurs instead. Somewhere in between this and his next idea of a war and enemy to fight, Grif convinced Simmons that Game of Thrones was actually real. Back to Sarge, the new enemy he made was...well, I'll let the man himself explain.

Sarge _:_ For far too long our people have been oppressed, _crushed,_ under the weight of our selves! If we don't start standing up to our mortal foe gravity, _by god who will_?

This wonderful endeavor led to the lose of one jeep, so Sarge believed it was time to once again start up the "Red vs. Blue War." However, the Blood Gulch Crew knew the futility of such a thing, thus came together to discuss a form of government. After minutes of debate, the consensus was...!

 _*drum roll*_

...Malarkey. Meaningless talk and nonsense.

Then, somehow, don't ask me how this was even possible given that these are two different franchises, Caboose found himself in Stranger Thing's Upside Down. Hell, the Reds and Blues tried to use the same communication method that the mother did, only everyone's favorite blue idiot kept saying neat. Flashforward once more weeks later, Grif buried what he believed was Donut's dead body...in reality, the effeminate man had gone skinny dipping. The less said about that, the better. According to Carolina, the weirdest thing by far was Washington growing a beard of all things.

It has been a long time since then, and according to Grif, all of this, which happened in the span of nearly half a year mind you, he had only one thing to accurately describe all of this.

The same damn shit, with the same damn idiots.

It was supposed to be a peaceful retirement, yet it was more or less what the simulation troopers had experienced back in Blood Gulch. That being said, the orange soldier wasn't willing to admit, but he enjoyed it. They all did. No more fighting, no more adventures...yes, it was going to take some time to get used to the peace and quiet, or what they considered to be peace and quiet, but it was a peaceful retirement nonetheless. That being said, however, Simmons and Lopez had been looking closely at Chorus' situation. Kimball had been in deep water when negotiations with the UNSC broke down, and had now formed a blockade. The cause behind the breakdown wasn't said, though it was an ill-omen. It made them worry about the UNSC accidentally finding them and shipping them off to who knows where.

Then, one day...everything changed. A single message that, despite all dangers that came from the UNSC making a naval blockade around the planet, had spurred them into action once more. And now the group stood before what could only be called a massive gate, which stood before them like an imposing monolith. It looked like the outline of a large gateway, though only alien tech-made walls was behind its vacant space. The Blood Gulch Crew looked at it, knowing what its purpose was.

 _[I have told you all before,]_ a red holographic image appeared over a hub console of some kind, resembling an alien being covered in armor. _[However, I shall say so once again. I know nothing of what lays for you beyond this gate. My creators' predecessors, the ones you know as the Forerunners, did not have good relations with the Jardaan.]_

"We know that," Carolina said to the alien AI, Santa. "But...we're willing to take the risks. Just to be clear, though...this gate leads to another universe?"

 _[Correct. Specifically, it leads to an alternate universe's Heleus Cluster of the Andromeda Galaxy, the home of the alien race known as the Angara.]_

"And it's at this Andromeda place that we can fix Church?" Tucker asked, hope in his voice. "For real? You're not joking us around."

Santa turned towards Tucker, nodding his head. _[If there is anything that still remains of the records between the Jardaan and the Forerunners, it is that the Jardaan's technology has unexplored possibilities. It is a safe assumption that you may be able to restore the Epsilon AI Fragment with it. However, that is all it is. A mere assumption. In the end, the decision...rests with you.]_

With this said, Santa activated the gate. Once he did, a dark blue light engulfed the interior, becoming the portal that it was meant to be. The group marveled at the gate, only capable of imagining what might lay in store for them on the other side. Carolina turned to the Blood Gulch Crew, staring at them. "You heard Santa you guys," she said, her voice tense. "There isn't any chance that we might fix Church...and there's also a chance that we might not come home. I've asked you before, but I'll ask again anyway: you sure about this?"

"We have a shot on bringing back Church," Tucker said, crossing his arms with a serious look on his face. "There is no way in hell I'm passing this up."

"I want to see Church again!" Caboose cried, jumping around excitedly. "That way, he can play with me and Freckles! And the Reds! And Tucker!"

"Another dimension?" Simmons said, his face showing that his birthday and Christmas had come early. "New alien species? New technology? How can I pass that up?"

Sarge cocked his shotgun, pumping it with vigor. "New world means new enemies!" he said. "Missy, if you think I'm missing out on this action, you better get your head checked!"

"I'm with you, Caboose and Tucker," Washington said, giving Carolina a nod. "I'm willing to bet on this to bring our friend back...that, and looking after these idiots is kind of in our job description, Carolina." he added with a cheeky grin, making the older woman roll her eyes.

Donut giggled excitedly. "Its a brand new adventure in a brand new world!" he said. "Imagine what they must have in Andromeda!"

[No importa lo que diga o haga / **Doesn't matter what I say or do** ,] Lopez said in his robotic monotone voice. [Ustedes los idiotas me van a traer a lo largo no importa qué. ¿Cuál es el punto en discutir sobre él? / **You idiots are going to bring me along no matter what. What's the point in arguing about it?** ]

"Oh, you think so too, Lopez?!" the pink-armored man giggled. "Oh, this will be great!"

[...ni siquiera quiero saberlo. / ... **I don't even want to know.** ]

The group chuckled at this, as despite not understanding what Lopez said, they could tell he was exasperated by Donut's attempts to translate. Carolina was certainly amused, though she then directed her attention to one of the more surprising individuals of the bunch. "And how about you, Girf?"

The orange-armored fatass was not easy to convince. When Santa had told them that it was possible to bring Epsilon back online through the use of another dimension's alien tech, he made it perfectly clear that he did not want any part of their adventure. He was tired of this: Church somehow coming back, and he was also tired of their adventures. He made it blatantly clear he wanted no part of this, and outright told them he was quitting. They were in retirement for fuck's sake, and now they wanted back into the fire because they could get their ghost friend back? No way, fuck that. With his piece said, the man went off somewhere...only to be talked to and dragged by the efforts of both Sarge and Simmons.

Whatever they said had brought Grif with them here, though it was obvious he still did not like the idea. "I thought we already it made clear that we're doing this, no matter what anyone says," he said annoyed. "Let's just get on with it."

Carolina frowned a bit, but accepted it nonetheless. Everyone slipped on their helmets, fastening it while prepping their weapons. Tucker whipped out Plasma Sword (read: Great Key), giving it a few swings before nodding in satisfaction. Grif huffed, checking out his Grif Shot, which he totally kept after the whole thing with Hargrove. It was technically his to begin with, since he claimed it as his spoil of victory for beating The Meta. Sarge inspected his shotgun, and gave it another pump. Simmons, Lopez and Donut inspected their rifles and found nothing wrong. Caboose, meanwhile, looked at his rifle. "This is going to be great!" he said happily. "We're going to see Church again! You think its exciting too, don't you, Freckles?!"

 _[Affirmative, Captain Caboose.]_

After some debate, the group decided to return Freckles to inside Caboose's rifle. If they were going into unknown territory, the last thing they needed was friendly fire. Carolina looked at the small data chip in her hand, which was now empty. Everytime she looked at it, she half-expected a cobalt-blue holographic soldier to appear. "Hey," Washington comforted her, gently gripping her shoulder. "Don't worry. We'll get him back."

"I know we will," Carolina said with the utmost confidence. She slipped the data chip back into her slot, and clenched her fists. "Alright boys. Let's go!"

With a collective shout of agreement and a grunt, the Reds and Blues of Project Freelancer jumped into the gateway. Unknown to them, should they return, another adventure would await them. One less epic, but equally as perilous, as the one they embarked upon now.

That, however, is a story for another day...

* * *

 _Episode 001: Same Shit, Same Idiots, New Galaxy_

* * *

 **[Location: Ark Hyperion]**

Sara Ryder, age 23, awoke with a startled gasp. Her body lit up like a Christmas tree - electricity sparking right through her body with a sudden jolt while her skin felt as if she had just taken a dive into a pool of hot coffee. A cold air greeted her, blanketing over her and flowed into her throat, creating a small chill down her spine. Her breath could faintly been seen as a thin cloud of warm air.

Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, but a single thought: the one that stayed with her when she was put to sleep, had told her one thing. If she was awake, that meant they had done it. They were finally here.

They were in Andromeda.

"...we made it," she breathed. She tried to stand, but her body had resisted the attempts. Her limbs felt like heavy weights of led, and found herself sitting back down on the seat of the stasis pod. "Crap..."

"Whoa, careful," someone told her, easing her back down when she tried a second attempt. Sara looked up. Already, she found more people leaving the cryo bay, some walking out sluggishly and others perfectly straight. The people in front of her seemed perfectly fine, and their faces didn't even seem remotely tired or rough after waking up, meaning they had been awake for quite a while. "You need to take it easy."

Sara smiled widely in excitement. "I've been taking it easy for 600 years."

600 years...was it really that long? Yes, that would be the estimated time when they would arrive in Andromeda, but has it truly been that long? It honestly felt like it was yesterday when she got into that stasis pod. Sara remembered that she wasn't alone, either. She looked around, hoping to find a familiar face, but to her disappointment she was met with only vaguely familiar and unknown ones.

"Let's see," one of the people taking care of her for the moment said, looking at the data provided on her Datapad. "Ryder, Sara. Specialist Recon Ops, right? You're apart of the Pathfinder Team."

Pathfinder...that's right. Her father, Alec Ryder, was named the Pathfinder - the official explorer for the human ark - by the Andromeda Initiative. As Pathfinder, it was his duty, as well as the duty of the team he selected personally, to secure a "golden world" for them to inhabit. In this case, Habitat 7 - "New Earth." His face was not among the faces that were leaving the cryo bay, so she assumed he was either not awake yet, or he was already up and waiting for his team to get ready for action.

"Can you find someplace nice and tropical?" the caretaker asked with an excited grin. Sara didn't blame her whatsoever. It was an exciting time to be up. "Warm, summer beaches, all year round?"

Her partner chuckled. "Come on," he said, grabbing Sara's arm gently. "First things first, let's get her back up on her feet."

* * *

 **[Location: Unknown]**

"SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"

[¡Hijo de puta! / **Son of a bitch**!]

Those four words came screaming out of the mouths of the Blood Gulch Crew as they found themselves being propelled through what could only be called a wormhole. A mixture of flashing lights - red, blue, green, yellow, purple, pink, black, white - all danced together in a colorless void that seemed to stretch on, tossing them around and disorienting them. No one could tell if they were falling down, or up, or sideways. It was impossible to tell. It was like a wild rollercoaster ride cranked up to a hundred, going so fast and twisting around so much it was impossible to get their bearings. It almost felt like being caught in a wave and being pushed down by the currents.

"EVERYONE, HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER!" Carolina shouted. Her voice echoed across the void.

The crew tried to follow her advise. Caboose swung around frantically, trying to grab on to someone close to him. His arms wrapped around Sarge's waist, and the colonel grabbed on to Lopez's ankle. Tucker was looking around for something to grab, and found Donut reaching out to him. "GRAB MY HAND, QUICK!" the pink-armored soldier cried. Tucker wasted no time, and grabbed on to Donut's hand for dear life. Simmons and Grif, by some cosmic twist of fate, held on to one another, falling down like a couple on a parachute wedding. Carolina struggled to try and reach out to them, to try and grab on to her family. However, they were all drifting too far apart.

"CAROLINA!"

The woman turned, and found Washington flailing close to her. He was upside down and spinning, enough so he swear he was starting to get dizzy, and held out his hands in an attempt to grab her. She cursed, realizing she wasn't close enough to grab his hand, but then remembered she still had her plasma guns. She took one out and fired a round, using the recoil to push her back. Four more shots, and she was close enough so that Washington was able to grab her foot, pulling himself closer to her and fix his out of control body movements.

"THIS WAS SO NOT FUCKING APART OF THE PLAN!" Tucker shouted at the top of his lungs. "NEXT TIME, WE ARE WALKING IN! NOT JUMPING!"

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!" Grif snapped. "WE DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING PLAN!"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD!" Caboose cried. "I WANT TO BE ALIVE! OR A COWBOY!"

The group was drifting further and further apart. At this rate, they were praying that they held close to whoever they were with. The rate at which they were being tossed around or falling was going even faster. The lights were getting brighter, converging with one another as they spiraled around. There was an unseen force pushing against them now, something fierce and crushing them under its weight. "OH FUCK OFF WITH YOU, NEWTON!" Sarge got out. With his war against gravity still ongoing, he was sure as hell not about to let whatever force was pulling them down win. However, whatever was pressing up against them was most certainly not gravity.

Eventually, the void began to break apart. The air around them was shaking, and the lights continued to grow brighter.

"HOLD ON!" Carolina screamed. The words were unneeded at this point as they were all hanging on to their friends for dear life. "EVERYONE HOLD O-"

Then they were consumed by the light.

* * *

 **[Location: Habitat 7]**

Sara Ryder had seen an experienced many things during her time in the Human System's Alliance. The call for adventure had been a big part of her since she was a little kid growing up with her twin brother was one of the many reasons she became part of the Andromeda Initiative with her father and brother. The chance to discover a whole new galaxy and establish a new home light years from the Milky Way was something she couldn't help but want to be a part of.

For over 600 years, Sara, along with the other 20,000 colonists on the human ark: Hyperion ventured from their home galaxy through the depth of dark space to the neighboring one. Sleeping in cryostasis as she waited for them to arrive...

Of course, upon waking, what everyone on board the _Hyperion_ had been expecting had been crushed.

Instead of finding a golden world to call home, they found a galactic anomaly that damaged their ship and stopped it in its tracks before they even touched the atmosphere. SAM, the initiative's AI, informed them that it was some form of unstable dark matter that surrounded the planet and caused massive disruptions to the system, and that something was happening down on the planet below as well that they were not expecting. Once the situation was established, Sara and a small team joined her father Alec on an expedition to figure out what was happening down on what should have been their new home. The planet that had been dubbed, 'Habitat 7'.

Two shuttles were loaded and left the Hyperion, trouble not hitting them until they breached the atmosphere and running straight into an ion storm. The vessel Sara was on with half the team was struck with a bolt of lightning, the power behind it tearing the shuttle apart and sending the occupants hurtling into open air. Through good timing, and a sheer amount of luck, Sara had been able to hit the ground without breaking anything, save for a crack in her helmet's visor that she had quickly repaired when she had trouble breathing.

Standing and getting her first look at what should have been Humanity's new home, Sara felt all the beliefs of what the initiative stood for die a little. Lightning flashed in the darkening skies, whole mountains floating in the air as though willed by destabilized gravity, and if her trouble moments ago was anything to go on, the air wasn't capable of supporting human life.

"This isn't the golden world we were told about..." Sara said to herself before bringing up her omni-tool. "This is Ryder. Come in." her response was static. "Hyperion? SAM? Anyone there?" she tried again with the same result.

"Save your breath, Ryder." Sara turned her head and saw one of the men on the team, Liam, jumping over a couple floating rocks to join her. "SAM's offline. Comm link's trashed. I'm surprised we aren't, too." he said, putting his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Did the other's make it?" asked Sara, wondering about the others as well as her father.

Liam shook his head, "I don't know. It was all a blur. Shuttle split in two...this is like some nightmare." he replied, his accented voice still heavy with fatigue after his own brush with death.

"Yeah. No way this is home." said Sara, looking out over the dangerous landscape before them. "We need to get to higher ground, see if we can locate the others."

"Just thinking the same thing," said Liam as they started making their way up a rocky path leading into the mountain they had landed on. "How's your survival training?"

"I've seen my share of troubles." said Sara, "Nothing crazy, but..." she trailed off, hinting toward their current predicament as they came across wreckage from the shuttle. Checking it for anything usable, they continued forward, keeping their eyes and ears open for any sign of the rest of the team.

Discovering more wreckage from their transport along the way. "Do you think that energy cloud we saw could have caused this?" asked Liam.

"SAM said that it was dark energy, but that was in space." replied Sara with a shake of her head, "No, this is something else." They rounded a corner along the path and came to a sudden stop.

A head of them, multiple bolts of lightning continuously struck the ground. Each powerful zap sending rocks and debris floating into the air in small puffs of smoke. "What the hell is this?!" exclaimed Liam, trying to understand the bizarre and very dangerous anomaly before them.

"Whatever it is, we gotta get through it. Come on!" Sara ran forward, pumping her legs hard as she sprinted through the open area. Barely managing to avoid the lightning strikes that rained down around her while hearing Liam right behind her, cursing loudly as he narrowly avoided being fried by the freak ion storm.

The duo reached a open cavern and ducked inside, safe from the dangers of the outside.

"Is this shit for real?!" Liam shouted as they stopped to catch their breath. "What the hell's wrong with this place?"

"Welcome to Habitat 7," Sara said back with a bit of sarcasm. "The damn planet's trying to kill us!"

"It can try!" the man replied as they kept going. Working along ledges and climbing up rock faces with the aid of their jump packs. Lightning still raining down around them, but not nearly as severe as before.

Sara pulled herself up to another ledge and peered down at Liam, "How did my dad find you for this?"

"I was a cop. Then crisis response." replied Liam before they both jumped over a wide gap with the use of their jump jets. "I'll tell you the rest over a beer sometime."

"Deal." Sara kicked her pack on again and leapt up over another rock face. "I think I can see the top, almost there."

They pulled themselves up and looked out ahead, in the distance was a large monolith that looked anything but a natural rock formation. A vortex of dark-blue energy spewing from the top and exploding into the sky where it spread out in all directions. A pulse shot through the air from the vortex, making the two Humans steady themselves. "What...the hell is that." Liam said in equal parts awe and hesitation.

"It's not a hotel, that's for sure." said Sara in the same state. "Nothing around here makes any sense."

Liam nodded in agreement, perking up when he looked farther down and finding the burning front half of their shuttle setting against a pile of rock. His eyes widening from behind his visor when he saw movement by a piece of the wreckage and finding someone on the ground leaning against it.

"Ryder look! It's Fisher!" he said, preparing to go down and help the man.

Sara grabbed him and pulled him down before he got too far, "Wait...look!" she said pointing out something else.

From around the other side of what was left of the shuttle, they spotted two other beings come around into the open. The way they stood and moved, they could almost pass for Human, but their skin looked hard and white, almost like bone. Their faces were a pale-grey with blue-slitted eyes set in them. In their hands were weapons that resembled their own assault rifles, and the green armor they wore signified that they were some form of soldier.

"Holy shit! What was first contact protocol again?" Liam said lowly, while they watched the two unknown aliens kicking around pieces of the shuttle wreckage. More than likely searching for something.

"No deadly force unless fired upon." said Sara, remembering the briefing clearly.

"Yeah, said no one in the field ever. How do we handle this?" asked her companion.

Sara thought it over, weighing the pros and cons of the actions they should take. "We take it easy. We only get one shot at 'hello' with these guys."

"And Fisher gets shot in the head if we're wrong." Liam couldn't help but comment as they stood up. Approaching the crash site with their hands half-raised as a sign of peace. The two aliens checking around the shuttle saw them coming.

" _Niad shurid!_ " one of them shouted in an unknown language.

"We can't understand you!" Sara called out to them slowly, "We're not here to fight, that man is with us!"

" _Niad shurid!_ " the first alien exclaimed again, raising their weapons at the approaching Humans. The second one started beating Fisher while he was down. " _Tolerad!_ "

Sara cursed, pulling up her pistol and fired at the one attacking their comrade. Liam doing the same to the first alien who had begun firing upon them. The two Humans dropped behind different rocks for cover when their shields went down, reloading their weapons and waiting for their shields to recharge as they tried to figure out what to do.

"Oh, shit! They got friends!" Liam called out, seeing three more aliens coming out and joining the other two, all of them taking shots at their position. "What do we do, Ryder?!"

The young woman gritted her teeth, letting her Alliance training kick in as she stood up. Blue energy channeling along her body as she cocked her arm back, the same energy gathering in her hand as he threw it forward, a bolt of power launching through the air and striking one of the hostiles in the head. The biotic lance sending it crashing against the shuttle before landing in the dirt, never to rise again.

"One down." Sara muttered, having to drop down again when her shields shattered. Peering over her cover, she saw one of the remaining four aliens moving toward Fisher. The man unable to defend himself as the hostile raised its weapon at his head. "Fisher, shit!" she screamed, knowing an execution when she saw one, and preparing to make a go at helping him despite the risks.

Before she could move, however, a thunderclap roared above them. It sounded different than that of a typical thunder strike, as following was what sounded like a scream. "...aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAH!" In the next second, something blue came crashing down atop the unknown alien. The ground shuddered a bit while Sara and Liam had to regain their bearings. They looked, and to their shock, the alien that tried to Fisher was dead. And sitting on top of it was a figure wearing dark blue armor. It was a make neither had seen before, bearing a golden visor and wielding what appeared to be an assault rifle. "Wow...that was fun."

"What in Sam Hill is going on here?!" another voice cried out indignantly. Popping up from behind the wreckage was another soldier, this one dressed in red armor and with a different helmet bearing the same colored visor, and holding a shotgun. "Stupid gateways and portals! Unreliable, I'm telling you! We should have just grabbed a ship and drove our way here! Would have been a lot more stylish and dramatic!"

Sara blinked. What...in the hell was he talking about? More importantly, those guns looked like antiques. Were they actually using pre-Mass Effect weapons? Why? They were so heavily outdated. Regardless, she was thankful that they had shown up, since the blue soldier was sitting atop the alien that tried to kill Fisher, which was as dead as doornail, head reduced to brain matter and splattered across the ground.

 _"Niad Shurid!"_

Dammit, she forgot about them! Cursing, she and Liam snapped out of their stupor when they saw the rest of the aliens converge, ready to end them, their guns at the ready. However, as soon as they did-

 _[Hostile threat level increased. Firing main cannon.]_

The blue soldier's rifle went off, firing a steady stream of bullets that tore straight into the aliens' bodies, pumping them full of holes. Strangely, it seemed as if the gun itself was guiding the soldier as it jerked around, aiming itself at its targets. In no time at all, all of the aliens were dead. Eventually, the firing ceased. Sara stared at the gun, bewildered.

She swore she heard it talk.

"Ah, dammit!" the red-armored soldier swore, moving close to the blue one. "Caboose! You should have left me some! I wanted to greet 'em personally with my shotgun!"

"Sorry," the one called Caboose apologized, looking at his rifle. "Freckles, leave some of the mean people to Sarge! He wants to make new friends!"

 _[Acknowledged.]_

Okay, she wasn't hearing things. The gun...was talking. That was weird. She had heard of guidance systems before, but someone implanting a VI into it? Liam walked up next to her, looking at the two in a befuddled manner. "Uh, Ryder?" he asked. "Who in the world...are these guys?"

"I...honestly have no idea."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED...?


	2. Colorblind

_Hey...you ever wonder why we're here? More importantly, why are we here, reading about the biggest idiots in the universe going to another universe just to bring back their AI friend? Maybe because we've got nothing better to do? XD Philosophical moment aside, good reception somewhat. Normally I'd prefer more reviews, but I'm fine with the numerous faves and follows I've been getting. I hope I can keep it up, though.  
_

 _Also, google translate for Lopez all the way._

 **DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Mass Effect or Red vs Blue. Both belong to BioWare and RoosterTeeth respectively. I also do not own any of the characters or places, only what little events I have in mind.

* * *

A Mass Effect x Red vs Blue Crossover:

 **Red vs. Blue: The Andromeda Chronicles**

* * *

[...Bastardos. Cada uno de ellos. / **..bastards. Every last one of 'em**.]

Lopez la Pasado (Lopez the Heavy) was most certainly not happy. After everything that happened in Blood Gulch and in between, he could honestly say that he was tired of all of the crap that Sarge and Red Team put him through. He still went with it because of his programming, which was to help them and beat on the orange fatass of the group, but even still, this was just a new low. After that weird light show, he was thrown somewhere that looked a lot like O'Malley's base, only worse with bad thunderstorms rampaging all around the place.

And apparently, he and Sarge and Caboose got separated. Fan-fucking-tastic. Remind him again, why exactly did he not go against his programming and just walk out on this crap? Stupid circuits. Then again...it was hard for him to imagine what else there was to do without those idiots. As much as Lopez wanted to deny it, he couldn't see himself without 'em. Didn't stop him from hating 'em. After all, they got separated and left him alone to deal with this crap. He's had to kill at least five or six of these natives. Speaking of which, what bizarre lifeforms. Their DNA structure was completely screwed up all to hell, as if it had undergone severe genetic recoding. He's done several scans, and they all read the same. Who or whatever they were, they were most certainly not your natural natives.

He stood over one of the bodies, scanning it to see if he could find something else about it that could help him get an edge while logging the data in his database so Sarge would have something to look at...who was he kidding? Since when does Sarge ever check his damn database? Bastard doesn't even check his own mailbox! Bah, the things he does for his creators.

[Hilos de ADN desconocidos detectados dentro de formas de vida nativas en el planeta actualmente desconocido dentro de la galaxia Andromeda de la dimensión alternativa. Se han detectado cambios notables entre los hilos, algunos de los cuales muestran signos de recodificación. Es posible que alguien, o algo, haya alterado la codificación genética. Se requiere más información. / **Unknown DNA strands detected inside of possible native lifeforms on the currently unknown planet within the alternate dimension's Andromeda galaxy. Noticeable changed have been detected among the strands, some of which show signs of recoding. It is possible that someone, or something, has altered the genetic coding. More information is required.** ]

After logging the information, Lopez stood up, looking around the area. As he did, he detected a heat signature not far from his location. Holding his assault rifle, he moved toward it. If it was one of the natives, he would take it down. If it was something else, it was worth investigating. He made sure to mind the ion thunder storm raging about. One bolt and his circuits would be fried...then again, who knows? Maybe it might help him learn English. That way, he could insult the Blood Gulch Crew properly. He hopped down the slope of rocks, coming around the cliff he was atop before peeking around the edge.

There, close to what appeared to be tech, similar to the make of the weapons used by the natives, was a singular individual. Scans showed it was a human male, approximately forty to fifty years of age, wearing armor much different than that of the UNSC's own suits. It was a mix of black and red with a helmet that exposed a good portion of the face, barred by strengthened glass-like material, making it extremely durable with "N7" marked on the chin portion of the helmet, and on the shoulder pad. In the human's hand was a rifle.

"SAM?" the man called out, looking at what appeared to be some sort of communication device on his forearm, which lit up as vibrant orange circuits in the form of a holographic bracer. "SAM? Are you there?" After a few more tries, the man cursed. "Impact must have severed connection. Hope Sara and the others are alright."

Lopez weighed his options. He could approach the man, though the risks were certainly there. The man might try to shoot him...and knowing his luck, it would end up with him losing his body. After losing his body several times, he was not exactly keen on losing it again. That being said, perhaps the man had seen his comrades? He gave a shrug, then moved out of his hiding place, calling out to the man. [Oye, viejo. / **Hey, old man**.] he shouted, catching the man's attention as he turned around, aiming his rifle at him, only to stop when he saw Lopez's human-like form. [¿Has visto a un grupo de idiotas rojos y azules por aquí en alguna parte? / **You seen a bunch of red and blue idiots around here?** ]

"Spanish...?" the man inquired, surprised to hear the language. Lopez's internal circuits buzzed, knowing that Spanish was at least present in this new universe. He then raised his arm, that holographic bracer being raised up. Seconds later, he detected a scan being conducted on him. The man's eyes widened visibly. "A machine?"

[¿Que esperabas? / **What did you expect?** ] Lopez snarked. [¿Un carnoso carnicero? / **A fleshy meatbag?** ]

"...I take it you don't know any English."

[No. Y honestamente, no quiero saber inglés. Es una mierda. / **No. And honestly, I don't want to know English. It sucks.** ]

The man was silent for a bit before he tapped something on his helmet. "Can you tell who or what exactly you are?" he asked. "Are you from Earth?"

Lopez crossed his arms, scoffing. [No, soy de un cañón de la caja en el medio de la vagina-Egipto de la mierda, pegado con los idiotas que quiero matar sobre una base diaria debido a todas las veces que o olvidaron mi cuerpo o me dejaron como maldita cabeza. No es que entiendas lo que estoy diciendo, viejo temporizador. / **No, I'm from a box canyon in the middle of bum-fuck-Egypt, stuck with idiots who I want to kill on a daily basis because of all the times I got stuck with them, they either forgot my body or left me as a damned head. Not that you'd understand what I'm saying, old timer.** ]

Why was he even talking with this guy? It wasn't like he would understand a damned thing he was saying anyway. In all the time he's been going on stupid adventures with the Reds and Blues, he's had not a single damned person who understands Spanish.

"...a box canyon?" the man asked, sounding surprised. "Then...you're not from the Initiative?"

[No tengo ni idea de lo que ... ¡Espera! / **Got no idea what that... Wait!** ] the robot exclaimed, taking a step forward. [¡¿Tu me entendiste?! / **You understood me?!** ]

"Implants and translation systems." the man said. "So long as its a known language, I can translate it." The man's eyes narrowed in curiosity as he folded his arms. "If you can speak an Earth language, then you must have been built by humans...obviously. So then...who or what are you exactly?"

Lopez didn't speak at first. He was too stunned by what he had just learned. Eventually, he regained vocal operations. [...es sobre el maldito tiempo. / **...it's about fucking time.** ]

* * *

"Um...okay, so you're..."

"I'm Caboose!"

"Caboose." Sara repeated, still trying to wrap her mind around what just happened. One moment, they were in the middle of a fight against their first encounter with the aliens of the Andromeda Galaxy, and the next, they were saved by colored soldiers. Liam was checking up on Fisher while she spoke with the two. She then turned to the red-armored soldier with the shotgun. "And you are..."

"Colonel Sarge!" the soldier supplied in a gruff, southern accent. "Leader of the Red Army!"

"Red...Army?"

"Yeah!" Caboose quipped cheerfully. "Their Blue Army's friends!"

Sarge whirled on Caboose, pumping his shotgun. "We're not friends, Caboose!" he growled. "We're mortal enemies! Banding together for common purpose!"

"Oh." the soldier said, his tone losing its enthusiasm before he cocked his head innocently. "Then...neighbors?"

Sarge sighed, lowering his weapon before shaking his head. "I keep forgetting its Caboose I'm talking to." he muttered under his breath before he turned to Sara. "So who're you supposed to be, missy? One of the locals of this place?"

"Actually," Sara gestured her head to the dead aliens. "They're the locals."

"Darn it," Caboose said sadly. "We should have brought gifts."

"Caboose, why would we have bought 'em gifts?! They had guns! That means they're a military force! That means an army! That makes 'em the enemy!"

Liam came up from behind Sara. "Checked up on Fisher," he reported to her. "His leg's busted so he's not going anywhere. Still can't connect to SAM." The woman sighed, lowering her head. She was afraid of that. The man then gave a look at the two soldiers, quirking an eyebrow and turning back to her. "Ryder...you sure we can trust 'em? I mean, yeah, they did save us...but we don't know anything about them. I'd like to think they're with the Initiative, but..."

She knew what he meant. Their armor was advanced, much different from the standard issue that they had, and their weapons...they were strange, but given the design, it was definitely Earth-made. She did a quick scan earlier, and to her surprise, she learned that the rifle that Caboose carried shot ordinary rounds...marked with gunpowder. They were using regular, old-designed weapons that were pre-Mass Effect. She didn't think she knew anyone who would use such weaponry in this day and age. Then again, the weapon was highly effective so she wasn't about to doubt its power.

"We'll play it by ear," Sara suggested. "Just be ready in case things go south."

Liam nodded, readying his gun. Sara then turned back to the two colored soldiers. "Caboose, Sarge." she said, earning their attention. "If you don't mind me asking, where did the two of you come from?"

"Oh, well." Caboose said without missing a beat, even if his answer caused Sara to stare at him with a deadpan expression. "We're from another world." He paused, then cocked his head. "Wait...does that make _us_ aliens?"

Sarge grunted. "If we are, then we ought to show these bastards how we greet another species!" he said hotly, pumping a shotgun. "With our fists, slug shells, and curses all around!"

"So, you're..." she said slowly, wondering if they were mentally sane. "From another planet? Actually, hold that thought. Do you know about the Andromeda Initiative?"

Caboose cocked his head. "Aren't we in Andromeda?"

"Well, we are, but this is the Heleus Cluster. Its only a portion of Andromeda. And you didn't answer our question."

"It's a military operation, right?" Sarge asked with intrigue. "Declaring war against alien species of all kinds?"

Sara stared at him as if he were insane. "W-what?! No! We're here to find a new home!"

"Why?" Caboose asked innocently. "Are you homeless? Did you forget to pay your bills?"

...was she feeling the onset of a headache? She swears she is. She could feel it. She'd facepalm if she could, but she instead could only sigh in irritation. "N-no!" She took a deep breath, calming herself. She needed to calm down. Even if they were... _mentally challenged_...they saved them and Fisher. "Look...we left the Milky Way because we felt like our universe was just...too small. And it brought a lot of hope for us."

"Some, more than others." Liam said grimly. "A lot of people who joined risked everything for a chance at something new. This place?" He gestured to their surroundings - to the entire planet. "This was supposed to be Habitat Seven. **New Earth.** "

Sarge gave a glance around the area, then back to the two Initiative soldiers. "...no offense to you folks," he said gruffly. "But I think you should get a refund."

"Yeah." Fisher said off to the side, letting out a pained laugh. "Tell us about it."

* * *

 _Episode 002: Colorblind_

* * *

 **[Location: Aya]  
**

"You motherfucker!"

"Look who's talking, dick-sucking cockbite!"

A growl ripped from Evfra's throat as he turned to the guards. "Hurry up and restrain those aliens before they kill each other!" he barked. Immediately, the two nodded and barreled into the cell, quickly pulling the two colorful armored soldiers apart. The fat orange alien pulled himself out of them and let out an angry grunt and rammed his fist into the side of his maroon-armored comrade's helmet, effectively causing him to be knocked flat and falling with his warden. However, he was back up on his feet and lunged at his supposed comrade, wrapping his hands around his neck. The two guards tried once again to restrain the two, though the Angaran Resistance leader was quickly beginning to feel the onset of a khova.

"Ancestors forbid." he muttered, holding his head as he let out a tired and heavy sigh. "Why must you test us?"

"Having trouble, Evfra?" a familiar voice asked. The male turned and found a fellow Angara approaching, his skin a mix of light pink and red with sharp blue eyes, garbed in a tactical black bodysuit with a blue cloak. Slung over his shoulder was a rifle, though his hands were nowhere near it. He looked at the bickering two soldiers, and then turned to Evfra, raising a brow. "...they are still fighting?"

A groan escaped his throat. "Yes. They have."

Jaal Ama Darav looked back at the two aliens, and then back at his friend. "...for six hours?"

"Yes." he answered, showing his irritation. "And I have half a mind just to shoot one of them to save the other the trouble. Never, in all of my life, have I seen two aliens bicker and try to kill each other. Not even the Kett!"

Jaal hummed, holding a hand to his chin. "Well, they are different from the Kett."

"OW! THAT WAS MY JAW YOU ASS!"

" _Very_ different."

It had been seven hours, 41 minutes and 12 seconds since they captured the bizarre aliens that mysteriously appeared in the middle of the conference room. Even now, there was still some unrest amongst the populace. Given their experiences with the kett, foreign invaders who appeared out of nowhere, it was perfectly understandable why they would be so cautious. However, after an hour of observing them, they were quick to realize that the two soldiers would rather to try and kill themselves than give them intel.

Eventually, after a minute of struggling, the two guards who were tasked with separating them were knocked out. Thankfully for Evfra, the two colorful aliens were now out of steam. "H-had enough?" the maroon one panted. "R-ready to say uncle?"

"B-bitch...please!" the orange one huffed. "I can...still kick your ass...!"

Jaal rolled his eyes. "They remind me of younglings." he muttered before he took out his rifle. Evfra turned to him, surprised, but before he could stop him, he fired off a round. The bullet, rather than hit one of them, struck the wall, flying right in between them just as they were about to charge in attack one another, elicting a shocked cry of 'son of a bitch!' together in unison before they turned and found Jaal holding the rifle, holstering it back in place. "There." he said with satisfaction. "Do we have your attention now? You've caused us enough trouble already."

"Oh, fuck off, asswipe!" the orange alien insulted him hostily. "This is between me and this motherfucker!"

"Grif!" the maroon alien cried. "Quit antagonizing the alien species who can kill us at any second here! I thought we agreed you wouldn't complain until the whole thing was over!"

"Until we ended up landing in some strange ass planet with strange ass aliens!" the alien known as Griff shot back. "I told you assholes I didn't want to come! I mean, seriously, for fuck's sake! Church's had more resurrections that Jean fucking Gray! Why are we even here?!"

"Don't you think we owe it to him for saving us back at Charon?!"

"Not my problem, Simmons! If anything, you're my problem! I didn't want to come! I told you all, straight to your faces, that I was fucking _done_ with these stupid ass adventures! I am done with going up against some corrupt corporate bastard hellbent on some evil plan for the galaxy or whatever, and having my life threatened on a daily basis!"

"I-Is your brain even working right?! Or did you forget about Sarge?! You know, our CO who is _constantly threatening your life with a shotgun_?!" Simmons looked ready to lunge at him again, though Jaal made sure to ready his rifle just in case.

Once more, Evfra groaned. "This...is going to be a **long** day."

* * *

 **[Location: Kadara Port]**

"Thanks for the help, Mr...?"

"Vidal." Reyes answered with a smile, holding up his bourbon to the two armored soldiers. "Reyes Vidal. And don't worry about it. Anyone who can piss off Kelly Sloan just by killing several of her men for trying to do the right thing is a good man in my book."

Three hours ago, in the middle and in the heart and center of a port that was nothing short but a safe haven, refugee camp and living hell for those from the Andromeda Initiative after having been cast out for whatever reason, a group of Turians had been found being beaten by Sloan Kelly's enforcers. Like many, they were unable to pay the 'protection fees' if it could even be called as such, though while many wished to help, the threat of being shot did not warrant their intervention. Plus, they had seen what happens to anyone who tries to help. The enforcers were clearly given free reign to do however they wished, even if that meant killing the people who were supposedly under their protection.

And during the beating, two soldiers clad in steel gray and cyan-colored armors respectively came in and killed them. Afterwards, a firefight broke out, turning Kadara port into a battlezone. Reyes was curious and intrigued, and moreover moved that someone finally had the balls to stand up to Sloan's bullshit, so he ordered his associates to rush in and save the two.

And now, Reyes had the pleasure of meeting them, face to face. Their helmets were removed, having the decency to at least look at him in the eye, face-to-face, without hiding who they were. The cyan-armored soldier was a woman, and a true beauty with the face of a soldier, experienced and on par with that of the rugged mugs of an N7. Her features brought to mind the famed Lioness of Elysium Jane Shepard, what with her beautiful face, fiery red hair, and excellent combat abilities. Meanwhile, her comrade in the steel gray armor had light blonde hair, short in a crew-cut style but much longer, a hairstyle common among most soldiers who enlist, and sharp blue eyes.

"Thank you, Mr. Vidal." the red-haired woman said in gratitude. "My name is Carolina. And this is Washington."

"A pleasure to meet you both." Reyes greeted them more appropriately. "I must say, I was impressed. Never thought I'd see the day when someone had the balls to start a fight in Kadara Port, especially for helping people who couldn't pay the fees."

Washington's eyes narrowed, leaning closer with a threatening look in his eyes. "And what's that supposed to mean?" he asked, ignorant of Carolina's concerned and warning glare directed at him. "What? Were we supposed to leave those people to be beaten up like that just because they didn't pay their taxes?"

"Hah!" Reyes laughed. "You're an honest man, Mr. Washington! I like that." He gave a wide smile, taking a sip of his bourbon. "No. In fact, I want to thank the both of you for what you did." This took the two by surprise, looking at one another before turning back to him. He took another drink of his liquor before he set it down, letting out an exhale of pleasure before he looked at them both, placing a calf over his knee. "As much as I wish to get to the pleasantries...let's cut straight to the business. You're obviously not with the Initiative, since you didn't even look so much as hesitate to help those people, especially since they were Outcasts. Not only that, but you weren't afraid to pick a fight with Sloan, especially in the middle of the port." He gave a low grin as he leaned forward, pointing a finger at them and wagging it. "Only a fool or a madman would try that...and something tells me you're a bit of both."

He clapped his hands.

"Which brings me to the point...who, exactly, are you two?" The two soldiers shared another look, perhaps to debate how they should answer his question before he chuckled and shook his head, waving a hand. "No, forgive me. Too personal. Every man has a secret, and I assume you two have more than a skeleton in the closet or two. Let me change the question. Why come to Andromeda?"

This time, they had an answer, albeit hesitant to answer. "We came here because..." Carolina began with a hefty sigh, removing something from the back of her neck. "...because of this."

She set it down on the table. Reyes looked at her, and she gave a nod, allowing him to take it into his palm and give it a glance over. He activated his Omni-Tool, earning a curious and awed look from the two soldiers, something he didn't miss, and examined it. When the results came back, his eyes widened in bewilderment.

Soon after, a Cheshire-like smile formed over his face and set it back down on the table for Carolina to retrieve, placing it back on whatever she had it inserted in. "You know." he said with mirth. "Because of a certain incident back home in the Milky Way, AIs were made illegal. Just so much as looking into the subject was enough to label the black sheep of your community, and your odds of finding a job, second to none. Having _that_ is enough to get you a life sentence in prison without a chance of parrol." His smile widened, and grabbed his drink, taking another sip. "And yet, you have an AI, and came to Andromeda because of it."

"We're hoping someone here can fix it." Washington said, an edge in his voice. "Or something."

"Well...if anyone could help you with that, it would probably be Alec Ryder." Reyes told them. Truth be told, such information was risky to give, though these strangers, while weary, were willing to give him some information. He found no deceit, meaning they wished to earn his trust...and so he would give it to them. "He built SAM, an AI meant to help the Pathfinders, so if anyone knew how to repair your AI, it would be him. However..."

"However..."

"The Human Ark, _Hyperion_ , hasn't been found yet." he informed them, earning a look of sadness and irritation from having a lost chance. "Though there is something else that may be of benefit to you. There are alien structures found all across Kadara's plains. Mysterious towers. Who knows? You might find something of interest there."

The blonde-haired soldier leveled a cautious glare. "...why tell us this?"

"You were willing to divulge a sensitive secret to me, so I share info with you." Reyes replied, his smile never fading. "Plus, like I said." He raised his drink high, and his smile turning into a grin. "Anyone who can piss off Sloan is a good man in my book."

* * *

 **[Location: Elaaden]**

"Hurry up and kill 'em! I want their armor, boys!"

Tucker scowled beneath his helmet as he ducked back into his cover. God dammit, this was one hell of a start to their grand adventure! First they jump into that portal to try and find a way to bring back Church, and next thing he knows, he and Donut are thrown into some hot-as-fuck desert planet crawling with assholes that want to kill him! At first it was just a few that they could deal with, and he introduced his alien sword to 'em and made 'em run with their tail between their legs while the rest were left to rot in the sand. He was trying to conserve ammunition so he wouldn't have to waste so much, but god dammit was this getting annoying!

In their last attack, they managed to incapacitate Donut, though thankfully he was just left unconscious. That said, it was harder to fight them off with just himself. This time, they must have brought maybe fifteen, twenty guys this time. "Talk about a rock and a hard place!" he swore under his breath before he sucked up the nerve to dart in. He had holed himself up in some abandoned facility to try and get some breathing room, though now the bastards went and stormed it. He came up against the railing, ducking into it before peeking out to find the bastards already working their way up. Taking out a frag grenade, he tossed it over the railing. Meanwhile, he darted towards the stairwell. Just as a grunt came up and turned, he rammed his sword straight into his gut, easily cutting through that flimsy armor he wore before pulling out and kicking him down the stairwell, knocking down anyone else coming up in the process.

At the same time, the frag grenade went off, killing only three men. The scavengers went back to shooting at him, and he went behind their cover. He did peek out a bit, trying to discern the leader. His primary suspect was the alien asshole with the spikes on the head and the goofy mandibles, wearing red armor while carrying what looked like some kind of deformed shotgun. "Fucking alien locals." Tucker muttered before he noticed one of the scavengers coming up from the other side. Since he was too far to charge in, and didn't want to risk getting shot, he whipped out his pistol and pulled the trigger. The first bullet missed, but the second and third hit their marks - one hitting his shoulder and the other dead in the head, causing him to fall over dead.

"Ow..." a groan came from behind. Tucker whipped around, aiming his gun, only to find Donut waltzing toward him, holding his head. "What happened?"

"Donut, get the fuck down!" Tucker shouted at him.

A second later, a bullet nearly hit the pink (it's _lightish-red_!) armored soldier in the head, causing him to crouch. "Yowsa!" he cried. "What the heck is going on?!"

"It's those assholes from before!" he informed his friend. "And they brought friends!"

"Wait, you mean the guys who knocked me out?"

"No, different guys who just so happen to want to kill us and rape our women and children!" Tucker said sarcastically. "Yes, them!"

As the onslaught of gunfire continued, Donut peered over the edge, taking count of the number of goons they had with them before he turned to Tucker. "How many grenades you got?" he asked. Without missing a beat, Tucker produced the grenades he had taken from the scavengers he had killed previously, setting them down so Donut could have a bombing fiesta. Beneath his helmet, Donut was grinning like a madman before he bravely stood up. "Hey, assholes!" he called out, causing all attention to be centered on him. "I got something for ya!"

"What the fuck?" someone asked in disbelief. "Its _pink!_ "

"It's not pink, it's _lightish-red_!" Donut corrected him before tossing out the grenades faster than humanely possible. As they landed all across the area, right at the feet of the scavengers, they soon realized what was about to happen too late. "Oh yeah! Sixty points, ya dirty whores!"

In the next second, the grenades went off like firecrackers, killing the scavengers and knocking them away, the shrapnel ripping them apart. If not that, then the burst of explosives directly at them. Even the enemy leader was killed, hitting a wall and slumping to the floor with half of his face blown off, leaving fluids to flow out of his body and form a puddle. Tucker poked his head out, looking around to see if anyone was still alive. According to his HUD, he found no one alive among them...meaning that they were all dead.

Once again, he was glad that he got stuck with the dude who had the best throwing arm. "Nice job." he congratulated. "By the way...what was up with that one liner?"

"Oh, nothing~" Donut giggled. "Just some nostalgia. I remember saying that when I first killed Texas back at Blood Gulch!"

"Oh yeah, I remember that!" Tucker laughed. "Ah...good times."

 _Elsewhere, in the afterlife..._

"Achoo!" a certain woman with blonde hair tied back into a ponytail sneezed violently, sniffing as she felt an irritating itch leave her shortly after. "Dammit...is Tucker cracking jokes or mocking me? Cause if so, I swear, I'm gonna haunt his ass."

"Yeah, well..." a man with messy black hair with an unshaven face marred with facial hair, covering his chin and upper life with cobalt blue eyes said with a roll of his eyes. "When you figure out how to leave Limbo, let me know, yeah?"

"Fuck off, Church."

"Love you too, Tex."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED...?

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** The ending segment with Church and Texas may be treated as non-cannon, and was made simply for the sake of humor. Doesn't mean I have decided to bring them back, just saying. Possibilities man.


End file.
